The ‘NO’ I was proud of

Photo by RODNAE Productions on Pexels.com

Disclaimer: There is a chance that this might be triggering for some, maybe all. Read… proceed at your own risk.

*

My challenge for today is to write this blog post even though I am having one of the most beautiful days I could ever ask for… from yours truly… the universe!

So there was one fine afternoon where I was headed to the cemetery, I needed the aesthetics and the warmth of finding secrets beyond the tombstones.

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

I was dressed in all black with a black head wrap.

I opened my room door, nails on and shoes off. I was heading downstairs, never needing to tell her where I was going because I had planned for that months ago.

Her?

Yes. My mom.

She asked me to take out the trash.

Now let me tell you why that’s not as ‘normal’ as it seem.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve been her slave. I’ve been planning things that she may need before she needs it, without a second thought… on a consistent basis.

Photo by Andrea Piacquadio on Pexels.com

And I’ve done each one, without her saying that I needed to take a rest.

So… I would imagine that when a day is my day, it should stick close to its title as… my day.

Whenever I leave my room, she either uses that as an opportunity to ask me to do stuff for her… or her favourite… to critique anything she could possibly think of.

Photo by Rene Asmussen on Pexels.com

There was a time when I would stay in my room until she goes to bed, this would include me eating very late at night and it would involve me refusing to go to the toilet when I needed to… just to minimise the interactions with her.

***

I told her no, that I would do it when I get back.

Here’s the back story: I had Amazon boxes and mailing bags that I was accumulating, among other stuff, to throw in the trash all together, they were in my room waiting to be taken out.

Between her trash and my own, they were going to be pretty awkward to take out to the bins given the length of my nails and given that I applied them a different way than normal.

I wasn’t sure what it would take for them to snap off, on top of this, I was already running late to meet with someone.

Photo by Ono Kosuki on Pexels.com

My logic was, if I am not taking my trash out at the moment, it’s unlikely that I will be taking yours out.

By the sound of this, you might be wondering if we have a relationship at all.

No.

I remember feeling a sharp guilt settle inside of me. A guilt I thought I had gotten under control, maybe it was the way she answered me when I told her that I would do it when I got home.

Photo by Ekaterina Bolovtsova on Pexels.com

I didn’t do it when I got home.

Outside was freezing, we had been walking for a while and when I got home I was starving. Also, there was much to be reflected upon. I grew tired of putting her before myself, and her teaching me how to never separate from her and have my own life… desire, wants and needs.

**

It was never my intention to tell her about this secret of mine.

But as time had it, I needed to eventually.

I figured I should get it out of the way and deal with her nonsense now rather than later.

She ended up congratulating me, but knowing her… she had to add something extra.

Photo by Jacob Prose on Pexels.com

She told me how selfish I’ve been and how ever since I started leaving the home, I’ve gotten even more selfish.

Excuse me?

I was calm. The direct opposite of how I would handle her in the past.

I decided to focus on what she was congratulating me on, and less on her, because at this point, I mattered more.

******

Living with her has gifted me:

The blame is not placed on her exactly, but these are things I’ve noticed whilst living with her.

– hallucinations

Photo by C Technical on Pexels.com

– bad relationship with food

– voices in my head

– feeling guilty whenever I buy anything, even a pencil

– difficulty sleeping at night

– triggered by her humming (her humming usually means something)

– thinking only of the negative outcome… In everything

– never knowing when to switch off and relax

– paranoia

Photo by C Technical on Pexels.com

– neglecting myself

– needing everything to go smoothly

– never being in the now, stressing about something that will happen in the next five months, instead of living each day as it comes. Especially when I have to be at the mercy of how far my body is able to carry me, which is usually unpredictable.

– chronic self critiquing

– always on high alert

Photo by Keira Burton on Pexels.com

-anxiety and panic attacks as soon as the light shines through my window in the mornings

– replaying conversations in my head

– problems with speaking, I write better than I speak

The list might be longer than this.

The greatest lesson I’ve learnt

The way a toxic person is around you when you don’t speak to them much, no matter how good it comes across… doesn’t mean they have changed.

Please consider making a donation of a small amount

You are donating because you love my content, because you want to see more of it. You are donating towards the books I will be writing and publishing. Any amount left over will be donated to a charity of my choice. I am a giver, as you are a giver of a small amount. Thank you so much, it is grately appreciated.

£1.00

Published by healinghands231

She is a witch, a writer, a fiancée and a queen at healing the masses within. A 24 year old woman, based in the UK, she finds peace in the tarot, peace in the oracle. She breathes humility and a passion to help bring the art of your mind to life in a snap. Bring to her your work, create by night by day and she will be there to help you pursue like a coin displayed on a tray.

14 thoughts on “The ‘NO’ I was proud of

  1. It is hard to learn to set boundaries with people, especially our families. In time, we can learn to see them as human, not all-knowing, and we learn that it is okay to disagree with them. Also, have you noticed that people like that tend to call other people what they are? I have had narcissistic (for lack of a better word) friends call me “manipulative” frequently, which I definitely am not. I suspect that her “selfish” comment was the same kind of thing.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. This is very true, it is very hard.

      Oh my goodness, yes! I’ve noticed this a lot, they do tend to call us what THEY are.

      And the funny thing is, if we don’t know ourselves very well, we will end up believing that we are these labels: manipulative, selfish…

      And yes she was calling me what she is, selfish. She would see me using the kitchen sink and push me out of the way just because SHE needs to use it, even though I wasn’t going to be long.

      Thank you so much for leaving a comment, and interacting with me in the comments. I wish you joy and peace, and I wish that life will bring only healthy people in your life. Ones that will build you and not tear you down 🌺💞

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Yes, I used to have to ask my therapist if I actually were the things that people called me! The most interesting one was when a friend “diagnosed” me with borderline personality disorder. My therapist had to explain exactly why I don’t have that!

        Liked by 1 person

      2. What?!

        That is insane, I am glad your therapist became your source of logic.

        Some people will drag you even lower than they are.

        And the worse part about it, is that they don’t know they are like this, or at least appear as though they don’t. And they go as far as showing you that they will never change. Because of course the problem is always somebody else…

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Yes again! I ended up distancing myself from this friend, because we had this pattern we kept falling into. It would start out good, where we were supporting each other, but it would evolve into her “helping” me. I know I fed into it, seeking her “help ” when I was feeling vulnerable, but to this day I don’t think she realizes her role in the interactions. We not have a peaceful co-existence with a LOT of distance!

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Love does not mean becoming a slave. One must always assert one’s personality and one’s dignity as a person. It is the duty of the parents to respect that and to encourage that, not discourage it and trample it. Lovely post,
    My greetings and all the best,
    FBC

    Like

Leave a Reply to healinghands231 Cancel reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

The Rambling Locksmith

"If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith." - Einstein

Frozen in the Fire

Rising up through Grace

Dark Horse Entrepreneur Schooling

Where Entrepreneurs Comes To Learn About Passive Income

Journey from Abused to Joy

This blog is to share my healing journey from severe childhood abuses with others, in the hopes that it will help all of us who are struggling to overcome obsolete survival skills, to experience more joy. For me this has been and continues to be an ongoing process. I hope we can share our healing journey together. It may also be helpful to those who have loved ones that have suffered similar abuses in understanding what they go through.

Tracy Brinkmann's Success Blog

thoughts to help you Think Successfully & Take Action

Multiverse

lives in the doldrums

Crosswalk

Sharing My Journey of Faith And Experience

Autoimmune-ptsd-stress-anxiety-depression-fibromyalgia-ms-wellbeing-natural-sleep..

Autism-spectrum-disorder, posttraumatic stress disorder.. autoimmune.

COLORFUL SISTERS

Traveling Fashion Designers 🌼

The Voguish Males

Every Thing About Men

%d bloggers like this: