Disclaimer: There is a chance that this might be triggering for some, maybe all. Read… proceed at your own risk.
My challenge for today is to write this blog post even though I am having one of the most beautiful days I could ever ask for… from yours truly… the universe!
So there was one fine afternoon where I was headed to the cemetery, I needed the aesthetics and the warmth of finding secrets beyond the tombstones.
I was dressed in all black with a black head wrap.
I opened my room door, nails on and shoes off. I was heading downstairs, never needing to tell her where I was going because I had planned for that months ago.
Yes. My mom.
She asked me to take out the trash.
Now let me tell you why that’s not as ‘normal’ as it seem.
For as long as I can remember, I’ve been her slave. I’ve been planning things that she may need before she needs it, without a second thought… on a consistent basis.
And I’ve done each one, without her saying that I needed to take a rest.
So… I would imagine that when a day is my day, it should stick close to its title as… my day.
Whenever I leave my room, she either uses that as an opportunity to ask me to do stuff for her… or her favourite… to critique anything she could possibly think of.
There was a time when I would stay in my room until she goes to bed, this would include me eating very late at night and it would involve me refusing to go to the toilet when I needed to… just to minimise the interactions with her.
I told her no, that I would do it when I get back.
Here’s the back story: I had Amazon boxes and mailing bags that I was accumulating, among other stuff, to throw in the trash all together, they were in my room waiting to be taken out.
Between her trash and my own, they were going to be pretty awkward to take out to the bins given the length of my nails and given that I applied them a different way than normal.
I wasn’t sure what it would take for them to snap off, on top of this, I was already running late to meet with someone.
My logic was, if I am not taking my trash out at the moment, it’s unlikely that I will be taking yours out.
By the sound of this, you might be wondering if we have a relationship at all.
I remember feeling a sharp guilt settle inside of me. A guilt I thought I had gotten under control, maybe it was the way she answered me when I told her that I would do it when I got home.
I didn’t do it when I got home.
Outside was freezing, we had been walking for a while and when I got home I was starving. Also, there was much to be reflected upon. I grew tired of putting her before myself, and her teaching me how to never separate from her and have my own life… desire, wants and needs.
It was never my intention to tell her about this secret of mine.
But as time had it, I needed to eventually.
I figured I should get it out of the way and deal with her nonsense now rather than later.
She ended up congratulating me, but knowing her… she had to add something extra.
She told me how selfish I’ve been and how ever since I started leaving the home, I’ve gotten even more selfish.
I was calm. The direct opposite of how I would handle her in the past.
I decided to focus on what she was congratulating me on, and less on her, because at this point, I mattered more.
Living with her has gifted me:
The blame is not placed on her exactly, but these are things I’ve noticed whilst living with her.
– bad relationship with food
– voices in my head
– feeling guilty whenever I buy anything, even a pencil
– difficulty sleeping at night
– triggered by her humming (her humming usually means something)
– thinking only of the negative outcome… In everything
– never knowing when to switch off and relax
– neglecting myself
– needing everything to go smoothly
– never being in the now, stressing about something that will happen in the next five months, instead of living each day as it comes. Especially when I have to be at the mercy of how far my body is able to carry me, which is usually unpredictable.
– chronic self critiquing
– always on high alert
-anxiety and panic attacks as soon as the light shines through my window in the mornings
– replaying conversations in my head
– problems with speaking, I write better than I speak
The list might be longer than this.
The greatest lesson I’ve learnt
The way a toxic person is around you when you don’t speak to them much, no matter how good it comes across… doesn’t mean they have changed.
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