So here’s the thing.
I was minding my own business, being happy, scrolling on Esty.
Then suddenly there was a hole in my soul, danger in the air and something like a cloud over my head.
I could feel her, it, somebody.
She had a problem with something, she made it hard for me to choose only but a simple thing, a beautiful little diamond ring.
Why are you sad, is that anger? I am sorry I messed it up, its anger is it?
I reached for my cards, of course I had to choose wisely. I chose the Mary El Tarot. Come save me from this madness, it was a blessing that he couldn’t hear me breathing in the anger and breathing out the frustration.
I was muted, uncontrolled. Feeling like I was in a mad train, I wasn’t strapped in.
I pulled the six of cups.
I realised that I was carrying something that wasn’t mine to carry. The price of something meant just how much someone cares for you, there’s so much fault in that, there is too much that is wrong with that.
I hate it, but I must write it to purge myself of it.
I remember I gave my mom a gift for her birthday. I wasn’t organised, I hadn’t plan a gift for her five months before, the only thing I could plan for, was a last minute gift – which was a customized necklace and a jumpsuit that was way too big for me.
I thought of her when I saw that jumpsuit again. I thought the colour would suit her very well, and that she would feel confident in it.
I thought about what it would mean to me to see what her reaction would be.
But lets not go there.
The card and my guides took me to the house I used to live in. The house we moved into, with my now dead… stepfather.
I remember how my mom would always mention how cheap he was.
Did I internalize that: as a £1 pen meaning that my friend doesn’t love me?
Like that example…
Is it destroying my present and making a plan to destroy my future?
In no way do I identify with it, and in no way am I in denial of it. If it were so, just imagine the things I would do to make sure that my life is not basic.
Even that word is an insult to me, as it would be for just about anyone else, rich or poor in mind and in reality.
It was a beautiful moment, probably one of the happiest moments in my life. But instead I wanted to fight with him, and the conclusion would have been that I didn’t know why.
He would’ve lost me and I would’ve lost my mind.