What prompted me to want to blog about this topic you ask? Well, hmm…
I was having one of those days where my fiancé was not in the very best of moods, at first I thought that it may have nothing to do with me, but my tarot cards told me differently.
I will admit, I pulled some cards, and I don’t have the entire evidence with me.
I didn’t journal with them so they are all mixed up with the other cards in the deck and my memory isn’t kind to me.
But I remembered one card, and that was: the Page of Cups from The Bright Future Tarot.
I wasn’t having a great day, my mind was everywhere and I was out of whack with everything. But still, I was trying to hold on to what might be going on inside of him.
I don’t want to come across as though I am tooting my own horn, but what I will say is this – we both dealt with that situation very well. And we came out on the other end with an even tighter bond.
It got me thinking about the things that we have been doing that has been keeping us together, things that has been allowing us to keep our relationship strong.
Some of which we may not have realised.
I came into this relationship after being disappointed more times than I would like to admit, and the one thing that I noticed about him was that he fully accepted and appreciated me. (Watch me not tell you how long we’ve been together, sshhh don’t be nosey)
You might be aware of the book called: The Five Keys to Mindful Loving, where David Richo talks about acceptance and appreciation.
When my fiancé and I first met, there were no signs that he didn’t accept me as I am… there were no mentions of the words ‘beautiful’ or ‘sexy.’
Those weren’t the words that I wanted to hear, but those are the words we often believe we should be hearing from our SO.
Then it leads to questions like ‘I know you said you think I am beautiful, but how much though?’ ‘You said I am sexy, but I don’t look the way I did six years ago, do you still think I am sexy?’
No thank you, I did not want to have an unsolicited date with those questions.
He didn’t omit those words for any selfish gain, I was aware of myself so I was aware of him and his intentions – having learnt a lot over the years.
But I think you and I know that… for a while, I was very fearful that he was trying to manipulate his way into my heart.
Anyway, let’s not jog too far off topic.
Everything that I later went on to telling him about myself, did nothing but pull him closer to me, the complete opposite effect that I was looking for – yet hoping it wouldn’t drive him away.
Recognising that all relationships has its ups and downs
This was something he mentioned to me at some point early on in our relationship. He didn’t have to, and he probably knew that I know that the rest of our time together wont be sunshine and roses, but the mere fact that he brought that topic up; only worked in our favour and made me trust him a little bit more.
A trust that I didn’t immediately know was growing just by that topic being brought up.
Use the word “we”
As if many of us don’t read articles from Psychology Today, aren’t we all just a little bit curious from time to time?
I love how Tamar Clansky Ph.D. says ‘Behold the magic of the word “we”. It really has a slice of magic to it, maybe even an entire cake, forget the slice. The mentioning of “we” in a relationship seems to take the cake.
Tamar Clansky Ph.D. expanded on this and says, ‘couples who use the word “we” when talking, especially about difficult things, are happier, calmer, exhibit more positive emotional behavior, have les negative automatic arousal (i.e. heart pumping adrenaline and anxiety) and in general are more satisfied with their relationships (think: affection, respect, intimacy) than couples whose communication is more populated by the pronouns you, me and I.’
I would say that this rung true to us. I was receiving a burst of love and adoration for my fiancé when he started to use the word “we”, yes we talked about implementing that into our relationship. And yes we struggled to keep it consistent after the first couple of days, as ‘we’ would have expected.
But above all, we were more inclined to be more loving and generous towards each other, just through this collaborative mindset.
Follow the three-day gratitude plan
Before we get too deep here, lets focus a little on what was said from the mouth of Kralik. This was what Rita Watson–an Associate Fellow at Yale’s Ezra Stiles College says about what she heard Kralik interestingly say about being grateful, “Until you learn to be grateful for the things you have, you will not receive the things you want,”
He sensed a growing awareness, a voice within that uttered those words to him and brought the understanding and willingness he needed.
I don’t remember how we actually started to say thank you to each other for both the little things, and also the big things that we would do for each other. Maybe I was influenced by him and then it became a habit for me until we both started influencing each other, because to this day… we thank each other for everything that we do.
Both in the moment or a day or two after the fact.
I would imagine that… if he didn’t know that I was grateful for him doing certain things, those things that makes me feel good on the inside, would become so scarce that it would cause resentment in me.
But just how loved and cared for, would he feel if I didn’t say thank you… if all those ‘thank you’ never existed, and all we had were the things in-between.
These were the hints Rita gave, BUT I won’t go into too much detail about each one in my own relationship, that might be for another post.
Gratitude on Day 1: Express thanks by finding three qualities that you love about your partner. All day long focus on those positive qualities. No matter what happens, try to ignore all of those little irritating moments or habits that drive you mad.
Even I want to come back to this blog to remember this. Three qualities, all day long. Ignoring all those irritating moments or habit that drives me crazy. Not always sticking to this was what made me almost lose the love of my life. Again, for another post.
Forgiveness on Day 2: Identify three things about yourself that make you angry and three things about your love that make you want to scream. Now forgive yourself and forgive your love. Be grateful for the sensitivity to forgive.
Appreciation on Day 3: For an entire day, speak only kind words. Yes, an entire day. The truth to tell is that even I find it difficult at times, but give it shot. Tell your husband or lover or partner that he or she is the most perfect, wonderful, loving person in the world -no matter what. If you feel a spark of annoyance, turn it around and find a trait for which to be grateful. As someone once told me – think of annoyance as a spark from a broken match that hits a carpet. Leave it alone and it will simmer and leave a mark. Stamp it out immediately and it’s gone.
These hints aren’t exactly things we may not know beforehand, the thing is, we use them accidentally. But because we are busy focusing on everything else but the one person that matters so much to us, we often miss the effect it so visibly has on them.
The look that lasted a little longer than usual.
The little smile that crept up on their lips.
The peck on the cheek that we may sometimes take for granted because we are ‘use’ to it.
I think what we missed, is how to stay consistent with it… no matter what.
If anyone ask you where I am. I am either looking for new Indie decks, finding different ways to keep my relationship strong, or mending the city I destroyed and appreciating my soon to be hubby.
Of course a little peck here and there, believe me, he would notice.
Cards that made it possible for me to actually finish this, and be able to publish it.
King of Swords
Page of Pentacles
6 of Pentacles